Cracked Roots & Roses 10: Dear John

Finally, the day before prom, she called and said she was still working on the dress but only had a few finishing touches left. The day of prom, I still had no dress. Two hours before Derrick was supposed to arrive, she brought the dress over in a black garbage bag. It was wrinkled and unfinished. I never once thought it was sabotage, because what monster would do that to a teenage girl on the day of her senior prom?

My mom was furious, but she held her peace because company was over to see me off. I didn’t even know how to put the dress on; it was in so many pieces. Rina helped me put it on the way it should look and sewed on a couple of pieces to keep it up. We had to use strands of pearls to hold the back in place. My mom grabbed one of my bras, cut the straps off, and pinned it to the inside of the dress. I was trying to hold back tears. I was so embarrassed but couldn’t miss my prom. This was the one thing I had to do in my mind so that high school wasn’t a total waste.

After I was as ready as I could be, Derrick arrived. He came up for pictures and gave me my corsage. He was so handsome with his fresh haircut and tuxedo. Gino’s sister, mom, and Rina stood off to the side while we took pictures. They looked uncomfortable and a little out of place. I couldn’t fully enjoy the moment because of the dress and their presence. Nothing in their faces said it was deliberate, so I didn’t let my mind go there. I put on yet another brave face and smiled for the camera.

Derrick and I posed for pictures for a bit, then jumped into his dad’s Dodge Dynasty and headed to the prom. The first person I saw when I walked inside was my art teacher. He volunteered to chaperone. His face lit up when he saw me. He sauntered over, shook Derrick’s hand, gave me a wink, and said I was beautiful.

During the prom, I frequently went to the bathroom to adjust my straps because they were coming loose. We only stayed at prom for a couple of hours because a part of my dress tore, and I felt out of place. Everyone was dressed so nicely, and there I was in my garbage bag dress. I also didn’t really know any of my classmates, which made things more awkward. I got looks because many of them knew about Gino, but here I was with a new boy out of nowhere.

I told Derrick I was ready to go after about an hour. He said okay and wanted to do something else since it was still early. He ran me home so I could change. I tore the rest of the dress off, shoved it in the garbage bag it came in, and put on a T-shirt and shorts. We went to an IHOP, had pancakes, then sat outside on the hood of his dad’s car and talked for hours.

The next day, we went to Six Flags in matching hunter-green Looney Tunes T-shirts and white Girbaud shorts. He won me the biggest teddy bear the park had to offer. We had so much fun. I hated big rides, but I got on every last one with him, including Batman and the American Eagle. Then we doubled with my friend and John and went up to Wisconsin to stay at his family’s cabin. It was so much fun doubling with them. I had never experienced that. Those few days made up for a lot of lost time. The following week was my graduation.

Gino called a few days after prom and asked, “How was prom?”

I tried to change the subject because I couldn’t hide my happiness, and I knew his sister had told him everything.

He said, “How did your dress hold up?”

Right then, I knew—and I saw red. I KNEW he had something to do with it but couldn’t believe he would do that to me. I had seen Rina’s work and knew this wasn’t like her! I played it cool and said, “Fine, and why would you ask that?”

He said, “Why would you think my family would help you cheat on me?”

I said, “YOU ARE LOCKED UP! You HAVE BEEN LOCKED UP FOR YEARS!! How LONG DO YOU WANT ME TO WAIT?! You wouldn’t have waited for me; I know that for CERTAIN. What more do you want from me?! I’ve been holding you down all this time, and this is the thanks I get? I can’t even go to a dance. Now I’m done. Never call me again.”

He put his hand over the mouthpiece and loudly whispered into the phone, “Kim, don’t you hang this phone up, and I mean it.”

I slammed the phone onto the receiver.

All it took was a few dates with Derrick for me to see that there was a whole world out here. I needed this to break the tie with Gino. I felt empowered. I felt free. I had been attached to that phone for YEARS! I was tired of waiting. Tired of hoping. I was done. At the time, the feelings for him were gone. The fact that he tried to ruin my prom was the icing on the cake. I had been nothing but supportive. I could see his point of view, but it didn’t make me feel any better.

A week after my graduation, I got a letter from the Chicago Police Department informing me that my assault case would be closed due to lack of leads and evidence. I stood in the hallway and shook while reading that letter. Suddenly, everything rushed back. I felt the cold ground and the dead leaves under my feet. I had just been reminded of what happened. It was always in the back of my mind, but at that moment, I was reminded that other people knew I was a victim. There was a record of one of the worst days of my life.

I balled it up as tightly as I could and took the stairs two at a time to get it to the garbage can. I was glad I got the mail that day and not my mom. With the other mail was a letter from Gino. I was scared to open it. I knew what he was capable of, and I had hung up in his face, put a collect call block on the phone, and proceeded with life like he never existed. I knew he wouldn’t just go away.

I ripped the letter open like a Band-Aid and read it while standing at my dresser. He was apologizing for the dress. He said I had to see it from his point of view. He was in prison and had nobody but me. Nobody came to visit or cared about his case but me. He asked me to please remove the collect call block and to accept his apology.

I did neither.

Derrick and I went all in after my graduation that summer. We were the new Siamese couple. We watched movies together, dressed alike, and had fun together. It wasn’t like Gino and me. This guy was a college kid, so he had limited funds. Many times, he had to work for his dad and would cancel with me. His dad didn’t like me; he said I was ghetto trash—and was probably right. My girlfriend told me what John told her. Derrick told John what his dad said when he found out he was dating a girl from the West Side. So his dad would purposely give him things to do when he knew we had plans.

Derrick was mad at his dad, but what could he do? His dad was his benefactor. I always thought that was cool—to have a dad with means who wanted to see you make it. I bet Derrick never experienced what I did. I understood where his dad was coming from. I was from a poor family and still lived in the hood. I could’ve brought him down easily if that was my heart. If I’m being honest, I wouldn’t want my daughter to get mixed up with someone from the inner city either. It’s a gamble. You could be shot just going to visit.

The leaves began to fall, and it would soon be time for him to go back to school. While watching a movie one night, he said, “Would you ever consider moving to Alabama?”

I said, “For what?”

He said, “I’ll have an apartment near campus for my second year. Maybe you can take some classes and we can live together.”

I was NOT ready for that. I hadn’t ever considered going to college at all. I lived my life wanting to get out of school, get a job, and live alone. My life had been about surviving. College wasn’t ever a thought. This mindset angered my art teacher on many occasions because I qualified for a few scholarships for art. He didn’t understand why I wouldn’t take them. I didn’t know the benefit of college then. I was surviving. I had no time to daydream about things out of reach.

I told Derrick I would think about it, knowing it would be a no. He eventually left for school. We agreed to do long distance at first. He called every day after class and wrote letters every week. I took a full-time job at A&W Hot Dogs in the mall with my girlfriend.

While at work, she asked, “Did you get a letter from Derrick?”

That was odd.

I said, “Not this week. Why?”

She said, “John said he sent you a letter that he regrets sending. So be on the lookout.”

My stomach dropped. Was he breaking up with me in a letter?

He was.

I got a letter later that week, his handwriting not as good as Gino’s. It said he was too young for a serious relationship, he didn’t like long distance, he wanted to have the full college experience, and that the girls were all over him and he didn’t want to cheat on me. The letter sounded like his dad to me, but who cares? He closed the letter by saying, “Maybe we could try again next summer.”

Hmm… the audacity was at an all-time high. Here was another guy trying to put me on a shelf until he was ready. I was done with shelves, he should’ve caught me sooner. I didn’t reply because I had nothing to say. I knew eventually his dad would win.