He didn’t hold it against me

No matter how I tried to run from God—while in rebellion and after I got free—He wouldn’t go. I was so riddled with shame and guilt that I didn’t want to talk to people about Jesus anymore. I didn’t want to pray or go to church because I didn’t want to be seen as a hypocrite. I was living outside of the will of God as a backslider. My life was plagued with sin and rebellion; I had no peace, ever. The worst part is that NONE of it was worth it. Sin is NEVER worth it. Sin takes you further than you want to go and keeps you longer than you want to stay. I was living like the prodigal son, no longer worthy to be called a daughter or to be in the Father’s house. I resigned myself to the fact that this was my punishment for ignoring the many red flags God had so graciously given me.

My spiritual hearing was so dull that when it was over, I no longer knew what was right and didn’t trust myself to make decisions. I vividly remember lying on my couch, crying in anguish, BEGGING God to please help me. I knew what I deserved, but I cried out anyway. Sure, I deserved the beating the devil gave me, because I had a choice in the matter but I now desired mercy because I was in torment.

On top of everything else, I picked up his habit of watching scary movies all day. I could also watch something full of cussing and sex and not even flinch. My conscience had been seared. I didn’t used to be that way, I had become like him. This meant that a transfer had taken place in the realm of the spirit. I wasn’t me anymore, so I tried to hide myself in the world by avoiding biblical posts and posting comical and motivational Facebook posts. But no matter how I tried to hide myself from God, He found me. He wouldn’t leave me, even though I left Him. I was unworthy of His presence, but He still called me. He wouldn’t go.

When I turned on the TV, there He was. When I scrolled my timeline, He was there. When I turned on the radio, there He was again. When I turned it all off, He would sing to me. Every thought called me back to the cross! Every other post would encourage me! Every memory of past deliverance would call me back to Him.

GOD SET ME FREE, AND HE DID NOT HOLD IT AGAINST ME! After five years of being backslidden, God was waiting for me with open arms. I went my own way to obtain what I thought would complete me, but instead of being made whole, I was broken even more. I learned that being in the wrong relationship made me lonelier than I had ever been. My smile wasn’t sincere, my eyes didn’t sparkle anymore, I was in misery. I was a shell of my former self. Condemnation was hanging over my head at all times. I was living beneath what God created me to be. All of this for a man—and because the man didn’t come from God, he brought with him painful toil, debt, heartache, a soul tie, trauma, worry, and anxiety.

I didn’t know I was carrying so much until I decided to let it ALL go and RUN back to my Father’s house like the prodigal son. He met me with open arms! He cleaned me up, put every tear in a bottle, and cast them into the sea. Y’all… when I realized I was free, I cried the ugliest cry you would ever see. I didn’t look for any closure or a conversation from the man sent to destroy me because I didn’t need it. All that I needed came from the Lord! My deliverance was so amazing that I have little to no memory of how he even physically looked. Even the residue of it all is gone. I can talk about it with no shame. I can help others get free of this form of idol worship. Marrying the wrong person won’t complete you… it will stifle you. You will finally have your god, but what did you lose in its pursuit? I lost five years of my life, money, dignity, and self-respect.

Nothing will last that is not given to you by God and then given back to Him. All that we acquire in life MUST be submitted to the Lord if we want to keep it with peace and joy. Make up your mind that you don’t want ANYTHING more than you want God’s will for your life. Submit your desire for marriage to Him; submit ALL to Him. This includes your job, family, relationships, money—EVERYTHING. Let everything pass through His hands… He will preserve what is sincerely in His hands and for your advancement.