I had 26

After spending some time with my sister in Chicago I was ready to come back to my hotel room early. I was processing the info I had just received from her about my last relationship that had ended a few months back in July 2022. I didn’t wanna cry. I wanted to be brave and sweep it under the rug like I’ve done so many times before. I just couldn’t this time though. I didn’t wanna write anything about it but I did and I am now. 

I was tired of thinking about it and talking about it to myself. My brain wanted to understand what was wrong with me and my humanity wanted to know how someone could be so cruel. That night I couldn’t stop the tears from the betrayal and embarrassment. My ex told my sister and brother in love how much he disliked me. For him to say those things to my own family was tough to hear, because that meant I was right, he really did hate me. He even went as far as to talk about liking one of the friends I had at the time. While replaying every hateful detail a fleeting thought came and said “do you have enough pills?” through the tears I began to think of how many sleep aids and advil I had with me.. I had roughly 26. 

The voice then reminded that there was a hotel store downstairs and that they would have more. My body was already home in Chicago and my dog Zoey was with a good home at the sitters back in Texas. I felt a form of relief at the thought of leaving this earth for good. Then I realized what was happening and had to actively fight to bring my brain back to the reality of the situation. Sure I made a mistake in ignoring the red flags and allowing the mistreatment but this was not the answer. God would surely not allow the depressive thoughts to consume me. 

In that moment of despair about a temporary emotion the devil tried to reason with me. He tried to take me OUT of here bout some MESS that in the grand scheme of things meant NOTHING!!! So I sat in the emotions! I cried! I screamed! I sat on the floor and decided right then that I would love me enough to never allow emotional abuse and neglect from anyone. 

Thank the Lord I have the Holy Spirit living in me. If I would’ve continued to entertain the thoughts you would not be reading this because I would be long gone. Unfortunately this is how it happens. That’s how he got Eve, with just a simple question. 

I had to grab those thoughts by the neck and tell them who my God is! And WHO I WAS in Him!! The attack is always on our future. Mine was on my big mouth! He wanted me to SHUT UP!! But I will NOT!! I’m telling this because the world needs to know his devices. Our lives are NOT our own! We have no right to take it or do anything with it outside of Gods will. I was not unfamiliar with rejection and betrayal but that one rocked me to my core. I had to either get up and press forward or lay down and die. I choose life. Choose to get up. Replace the shame of yesterday with the joy of today!! We will WIN!! We will finish our race!! We are more than conquerors!