In 241 Days

I will be fifty in 241 days. I will have lived half a century with the belief that life was happening to me and not through me. This limiting belief caused me to sometimes pity myself. I would look at how things in my life were going and believe—erroneously—that I had no control. Imagine that. I thought I had no control over the one thing I do have control over. I wish I had known and accepted this sooner.

The thoughts I held were a big part of it. Sure, I know the Bible says that as a man thinks in his heart, so is he. I just didn’t take it literally—at least, not in my life.

For the past few days, I have made it a practice, before I go to bed, to be kind to myself. I speak kind words over myself and believe them. I no longer focus on negative comments and people; I focus on those who love me and want to see me do well. I then took it a step further and used my imagination to see myself as I desire to be.

I have also made a practice of being present in the moment—acknowledging what’s going on and catching every self-defeating thought that tries to plant itself in the recesses of my mind. They have no home with me anymore. So I catch them, I challenge them, and if they don’t fit the new life I’m building, I kick them out.

Past offenses have no home with me anymore either. The things that happened to me were the making of me—a crude mosaic with sharp edges that carved the woman I am today. I acknowledge it, thank it for its lesson, and release it. I will no longer nurse or rehearse any of it. I forgive and release everyone.. I have no right to hold them. I can’t live today if I keep looking at yesterday. I can’t change it. I can’t change where I was raised, how I was raised, or anything else—so why spend any time on it?

I have to make room now for the best because it is yet to come. I make room for increase in every area. I make room for love because I’ve never known it in its purest form. I make room for friendships and sisterhood because I was too stubborn to see the seedlings. I make room for the blessing of the Lord in every area of my life.

In 241 days, I will be 50, and I refuse to live in defeat, self-pity, or self-loathing any longer.