Quiet quitting

I quiet quit life a few days ago. I have nothing—no desire to do anything about anything. As I sit and think about the many disappointments and failed ventures, I decided, that’s it. The towel is thrown. I’ve done something wrong, or I am not who I think I am.

I face this grim reality with a determination to start over—better. I’ve never cried so much. I think my brook is drying up. I have failed at seemingly everything—everything from relationships, to books to the retreats to the Bible distribution to business ventures & investments and then my job (business). The biggest of them being my business. I work six to seven days a week and barely make enough to cover expenses. It’s like the biggest of all the mistakes. I won’t bore you with the specifics because many of you understand how using cards to pay expenses is not a good idea.

It has been a hard two years. In the past, I’ve gone with what I think I heard from God and not what’s logical. I can’t blame God for this… At this point, I don’t think He even knows who I am. There is no way He can see me as a daughter in my current state. This was me making my way in life, trying to take some pressure off and get ahead. None of it has worked.

I did a vision board last year and put it in front of my bed on the dresser—to look at every night while praying. I had big plans, big dreams and goals. Nothing on it has come to pass. Two days ago, I moved it behind the dresser, never to see it again. I don’t wanna see my failed dreams and be faced with the reality that this is my life—for real. The board used to bring me joy and excitement, now all I feel is pain. I don’t wanna be encouraged.. save it for someone with hope.

I just wanna get through the next few months of obligations and put it all behind me. All of the bad investments and premature plans. What a mess. I’ve burned bridges. I’ve isolated myself. I’m not sure what’s wrong with me or if I can ever be fixed. I just needed to get this out and focus on reinventing myself one more time.

Who knew life could be so difficult? I’m almost 50 and have nothing to show for my life. It can be sobering. The only upside is depression takes away the appetite and I’m down 17lbs.

If you’re reading this and smiling or you’ve watched my page waiting for this, here you go. You win. I hope it brings you some joy. Someone should have some.