Untangled 11: self respect

I pulled the box out, knowing it couldn’t be a proposal because he wasn’t even looking at me. My last proposal had consisted of my ex handing me a cocktail ring, saying, “You want this more than I do,” while I wrapped my hair for bed. I opened the little box, and there sat a white and yellow gold swirl ring with a tiny diamond in the center. I instantly hated it. It reminded me of my old wedding ring.

“What is this?” I asked.

He said, “It’s a promise ring.”

My face was a mixture of puzzlement and laughter because I was 21 years too old for it. I tried my best to look happy, but I just couldn’t pull it off. It was nothing I would ever wear; it reminded me of when Carrie got the ring from Aidan on Sex and the City.

He then casually said, “I was getting one for my daughter, so I got you one as well.” I didn’t know what to say to that—what would you have said? I just responded, “Oh! Okay… thanks?” I put it on and hated it even more.

I asked to see the ring he got his daughter. Hers was a white gold band with a petite square diamond in the middle. It was a much prettier ring than the one he gave me. This presented a new problem—the dynamic between him and his adult daughter, which would only get stranger as time went on.

The next day, he asked why I wasn’t wearing the ring. I foolishly thought this was my chance to be transparent. After all, if I planned on marrying this man, I had better practice the hard conversations. I told him, “I’m grateful for the ring, but I just don’t love it. It looks too much like my old wedding ring, and it’s not really my style.”

His microexpression was one of hate. I tried to backpedal, saying, “I don’t wear jewelry anyway because of work, and it’s really not that big of a deal. You could take it back, get your money back, and get something for yourself.”

When I finished, he said, “Don’t worry about it. I will never buy you another ring.”

There was nothing I could do to take back what I said. I felt awful for making him feel bad after such a nice gesture. But I believe a gift should come from the heart, with the receiver in mind. The ring situation taught me to shut up about things that bothered me. I was slowly being trained not to express myself. So, I put the ring away—along with my self-respect.