Untangled 19: One Sided

A few times, his doctor’s appointments would run into the afternoon, so on these occasions, I found myself taking Ubers or Lyfts home. I was paying the note on a new Nissan Murano but didn’t drive it because he was using it to get to doctors appointments and court dates. My resentment towards him and this situation was growing. One day, I decided it was time to get a second car. After some time, I found an older model Lexus RX on Marketplace, so we went and purchased it. I thought it was a good way for him to get back and forth to the city. He refused to drive the car. He said it wasn’t reliable enough for a 30-mile drive, but that I should drive it because my salon was only five miles away. I initially tried to put my foot down, but I could feel his resentment through the silent treatment. So, I relented and drove the old trouble ridden Lexus. I still can’t believe that I was so starved for love and companionship that I accepted it being served from a rusty knife.

Even as I write this, I find myself holding back because I’m still protecting him. I don’t love him but I don’t hate him, I’m indifferent. Nonetheless I still hate this part of me. I hate the part that is empathetic to a man who tried to destroy me. I digress.

Now that I was driving the Lexus, he was gone even more, as there was no need to pick me up from work. I was never in my own car. He had made it his own, and I resented that as well. I wouldn’t have been so resentful if he wasn’t so selfish and entitled, or even if he had said thank you just once. I would’ve taken this better if he was the man he claimed to be. Everybody plays the fool sometimes, but the role is easier to play when there’s a return in it for you. In the beginning, he made a lot of promises and followed through on none. People say who they want to be, but their behavior shows who they really are. He was a single man in every aspect of the word.

If I had not gone to high school with him for four years, I would’ve thought he fell from the sky, because there was no trace of where he came from. He wouldn’t tell me any of his exes’ names, I never met any family or friends, and he never planned anything or took me anywhere. I planned everything we did because I was trying to be in a relationship with someone who abhorred them. We had two different goals. When I took selfies, I would include him. When I bought myself luggage, I got him luggage. When I got myself a plane ticket, I got him one. He did the opposite.

One particular day, while having brunch at the Hancock, he took a few selfies with the Chicago skyline as the backdrop. I was sitting across from him, but not once did he add me to his selfies or snap a picture of me. I had a fleeting moment of disgust mingled with clarity. I thought to myself, What a jerk. At that moment, anything in me that could keep up this charade was gone. I watched him take selfies, undoubtedly to send to someone else, while I footed the bill. I never thought I was the brightest bulb in the box, but I had no idea I was one of the dullest.

I had sufficient reason to break up with this man-child. I would often call him out for living like he was single. He would give me some cock-and-bull story about his ex cheating and him not having a good relationship with his mom or family. I didn’t push the issue because I had no reason to. I’ve read enough relationship material to know better. It doesn’t take a man years to propose, and if he’s not taking you around friends or family, you mean nothing to him. I tried to get him to understand that if he died, I wouldn’t even know who to call because I didn’t know anyone in his family. It changed nothing. He would literally leave me in the house like I was a piece of furniture while he ran the streets until midnight or later.

A few months prior, I had made a big deal out of not being anywhere on his social media. He tried to use the excuse that he was rarely on Facebook. I called him out on this lie and told him either he says he’s in a relationship or we’re done—that was the hill I was willing to die on. That did the trick. That same day, he changed his status but didn’t tag me.

That was the thing—he didn’t care how I felt or that he neglected me. I thought some human part of him would consider me at some point. He never did. I thought he would realize I was in his corner, but he didn’t. I loved him; he didn’t love me. The thing is, I still don’t know if I ever loved him or if I was just complacent.