Untangled 2: disobedience

Just like that it was over.. that was it. The man I thought I loved was now engaged. What was it about her? Why was I not given a chance to plead my case? Y’all I cried like somebody died. I cried for my perceived loss. After reading the comments I had to then make the 26-miles drive home from work through a curtain of tears. For a split second I wanted to crash my car into a wall and just end it all. I was tired. I didn’t want to face the weeks and months of post-breakup hell. The nonstop thoughts, the what ifs, the lack or eating and sleeping. Not again! I didn’t have it in me! I was mad at myself for allowing myself to fall in love with a ghost. I was mad that I compromised my integrity YET AGAIN. There was nothing this man did to warrant me or such grief. He wasn’t a great kisser, he was NOT good in bed, he was cheap, he was mean—all the things. So what was it about him that caused me to break? 

It was my own disobedience. I saw the red flags, but I ignored them. They were there for my own protection, but at that time, I didn’t know it. I was mad at me for disobeying yet again. I just wanted to be normal. I hadn’t dated in years. I wanted to just be with someone. I got those red flags as protection but I ignored them. I was also outside of Gods will by sleeping with him. I had so much trouble in that area. It took me YEARS of falling and getting back up to realize that a man that God ACTUALLY sends won’t make you ashamed before Him. 

This was one of the many areas I hadn’t surrendered to God. See, I believed that God could do anything, but I wanted control of this area. I turned my anger from him to me. I hated myself even more. I didn’t know how to just shut up long enough to get the ring. I thought I’d get the ring and then I could be myself. We could then pray together or go to counseling. 

I was tired. How could I go on? I texted a friend, who immediately called and listened to me blubber over the phone. Then she talked me off the ledge with no judgement. I was forced to put the situation in the proper perspective. He wasn’t this great guy I created in my mind. I dressed him like a king, when in reality, he was a fool. He was obviously dating other people. He knew the effect this would have on me and didn’t care enough to even give me a heads-up.

Later that evening, I texted him congratulations. He immediately called and asked what I was talking about. I said, “On your engagement—I saw the picture.” Maybe he didn’t think I would see it or that I wouldn’t read the comments. Either way, the cat was out of the bag. He said he wasn’t engaged and that I shouldn’t believe everything I read on Facebook. He said he would call me back but of course he never did.

I tried to immediately unfriend him but couldn’t. I needed to confirm what I knew. My heart wanted it to all be a mistake, but I saw it with my own eyes. I was forced to heal and deal. I allowed myself to cry, to get angry, and to forgive myself. I was embarrassed to have to run back to God, all dirty with my tail between my legs. I was wrong again. I needed to be delivered. I knew that. I was doing too much sleeping and crying. I couldn’t get through a day of work without crying.

Two months passed before I went back to his page. The profile picture had changed again. It was now him and his blushing bride. She was tagged in the photo, so, like the masochist I am, I went down the rabbit hole.