Untangled 22: Big man on campus

It was a year and a half into the relationship when I decided to give it my all. I ignored the diagnosis, the red flags, and everything else. I didn’t want to walk away without having done everything I could—y’all know what I’m saying. During that time, I booked two trips: one to Miami and the other a short cruise. Both trips were fully paid for, so we took them. The three-day Bahamas cruise was just another rusty nail in the coffin of this sham relationship. Had I known when I booked the trips where we would be, I would have NEVER booked anything—hindsight and all that. I foolishly thought that in a year’s time we would be happily married, building a future together. I was wrong again. He was no different on water than he was on land. He would leave me in the cabin to live his best single life on the lido deck, even winning a trivia competition and earning a prize medal while I sat in the cabin, waiting for him to come back. It didn’t matter, though, because my mind was preoccupied with figuring out how to get out of this relationship and how to get him out of my apartment without involving the cops. That was difficult because I felt sorry for him as a human being, but I could no longer let my empathy get in the way.

The Miami trip was in January of 2020. This trip was done with intention. He claimed, and still claims, to live in the city of Miami. I wanted to see how he would handle being confronted with one of his biggest lies. If he lived there, he wouldn’t need GPS. He would be able to take me to his condo and show me around his old stomping grounds.

We stayed at a boutique hotel in the heart of Miami Beach, just a street behind the Versace mansion. As I suspected, he didn’t know where anything was and excused it with not having been home in over a year. I suggested we go by his condo—even if we couldn’t get in, I just wanted to see the building. Y’all… this man pointed at a building and said that’s where he lived, it was the Fontainebleau. I stared at him until he looked noticeably ashamed. I said let’s park and go in, he ignored me and kept driving. He knew and I knew it was all a lie, but part of me just wanted him to admit it. I wanted him to say, “This was all a lie, and I apologize.” I have to admit, I admire his tenacity because I would’ve folded. He had a unique ability to lie without shame. I’m not that hardcore, he could’ve at any point said this was all a lie and I would’ve forgiven him. I wanted to forgive him. I wanted to know the real him. I would’ve helped him get deliverance, counseling and a job. His pride is what keeps him bound in a cycle of lies.

On our last day in Miami, I sat outside the hotel enjoying the breeze waiting for the valet to bring the car. While waiting I took a few selfies and he stood out on the street on his phone as always to avoid any interaction with me. Interacting with me meant I might ask questions and then accuse him of lying, so he avoided it at all costs. He would even go as far as to sit in different rows on the plane when we traveled. It was fine, I was by myself in the relationship why not on the plane? In my Miami selfies, I noticed that I no longer had joy in my eyes. I had put on much more weight, and my smile was gone. Those pictures were alarming but served as a wake-up call. I knew I had to do something and quick.

When we got back to the apartment, I started quietly purging. I didn’t know why, but I felt an urgency to do it. While in my purge frenzy I pulled out the couch that he slept on to plug in the vacuum, and a piece of mail fell behind it. It was an open letter addressed to him, I pulled the letter out and to my surprise it was an acceptance letter to DePaul University in Chicago. It seems he had applied for some program a few months ago and, according to the letter, was slated to start in a couple of weeks. I was stunned. How DARE he?! This man was living in MY house, not paying a single bill, watching me work six or seven days a week while he did nothing to contribute, but he had the audacity to apply for school as if I were his mother. If you’re too sick to work, you’re too sick for school!

He came in later, I handed him the letter and stood in his face waiting for an explanation. He said nothing. I asked, “Why didn’t you tell me you applied for school?” Before he had a chance to respond, I added, “If you’re well enough for school, you’re well enough to get a job.” Y’all, hang on to your seats… this jagaloon said, “I don’t have to tell you anything I do. Me going to school is NONE of your business.” It was then my turn to say nothing, I was finally speechless. I realized right then that the reason he thought so little of me is because I allowed it. People can’t treat you better or worse than YOU treat yourself. He was treating me how I treated me.. with utter contempt.

Later that night, I created a resume for him and went online to apply for jobs as a gift to him. A week later he was hired for an overnight position at Lowe’s. When I surprised him with the wonderful gift of employment, He was PISSED..lol. I said, “Either you take this job and help pay some bills, or you can go live on campus.” I tried my best to hold in my laughter.

He reluctantly took the job and worked 4 days a week. I didn’t know when he got paid and he still never gave me a dime. One night he came in an hour after leaving for work and announced with pride that he quit. I still don’t know whether he actually quit or got fired.. and that was that. He began night school soon after and would not answer anymore questions regarding employment.