Untangled 30: Fine Line

It wasn’t long before the real him was fully back. Instead of formally breaking up with him, I just quietly checked out. We hadn’t officially gotten back together anyway, so what was the point? He never accepted any of the breakups anyway. I decided I would slowly decouple. I would do things alone and go about life like I did before him. The problem was, he was still sending the car note to me via Zelle, so the lines of communication were still open. I started to mourn the end of the relationship in my own way so moving on would be smoother.

I would walk Zoey at every night while listening to worship. During those walks I asked myself some hard questions. I wanted to process this in a healthy way. I blamed myself for everything. I ignored the red flags. I tried to make him into the man of my dreams and not the man of his reality. I still remember those nights—how beautiful the night sky was, how I cried in the dark. I just couldn’t understand what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t I have a good man? I felt the rejection from him so sharply because his disdain for me was noticeable. But why? What had I done to cause him to target me to be used like this? What had I done to cause this man to hate me like this? I thought I had been nothing but nice. I was essentially a doormat, but I guess in the end I wasn’t flat enough.

These feelings reminded me of when I was 13, and the neighborhood boys lied and told me a boy named Marlon liked me. Marlon was so tall and handsome, I couldn’t believe he would like me over my older sister who all the boys liked, but his friends said he did. Well, it turned out he didn’t like me—it was a prank on Marlon by his friends, I was collateral damage. From that point until now, I still don’t understand why any of these things happened. I didn’t understand what was wrong with me. I was attracting men who hated me for some reason. This man was with me for YEARS and hated me. Before leaving Chicago, he told me, “Nobody likes you, not even your own daughter.” I immediately shot back, “Then WHY are you here?! GET OUT!” He said nothing.

I was well aware of the strained relationship I had with my daughter. Most mothers go through this stage with their children—it was unfair to tell me it is because I’m so awful. Those nights were sad, but once I got to bed, the healing would begin. I would have amazing dreams and hear worship in my head right before drifting off. I had ignored the red flags and went outside of the will of God to have a man, but God hadn’t turned His back on me.

We didn’t have any communication for a few weeks, so I fully embraced the healing process and the realization that there would one day be another man.

Not long after that, I started getting messages from quality men who loved the Lord. I knew it wasn’t the right time, but I would still converse from time to time to stick my toe into the dating pool. There was one man in particular who was pretty consistent. He was a handsome man, he loved Jesus, and he was funny. We conversed in Messenger for a while before he asked if he could call me. I wasn’t ready to talk on the phone, but I relented after his third day of asking.

The conversation flowed. It was nice talking to him to get my mind off of my ex. One night, while talking to him on the phone, there was loud banging at my front door. I jumped and sat frozen for a few seconds. I told him I would call him back and hung up. After a while I slowly walked to the door and looked out of the peephole—nobody was there. So, I figured it was someone at the wrong apartment. About an hour later I went to take Zoey down for a walk, and there sat a bouquet of flowers.

There was no receipt or card, but I knew who put them there. I threw them in the trash and continued out for Zoey’s walk.