Untangled 31: A New Love?

The next morning, I was fully aware that I was due for another round of love bombing. Just as I thought—a small pop to start my evening—when I got home from work, there was a freezer-sized Ziploc bag with a cooked, still-warm T-bone steak wrapped in foil inside. I reluctantly threw that in the trash as well. He was excellent on the grill, but I wasn’t interested in trying anymore or being baited with food. Early in the relationship, before he knew my eyes were opened, he would frequently bring me my favorite food as an apology.

The sad part of it all is that a small part of me still liked the guy. I had not yet mastered turning off my feelings. It’s impossible to be around a person every day and not have some feelings for them, especially when a few fond memories are involved. I had feelings, but I knew I had to bury them in concrete in order to move forward. So, I ripped off those rose-colored glasses and told myself the ugly truth.

The truth was, he never liked me; I was supply. The truth was, he never wanted to marry me because I wasn’t seen as human. The truth is, every move he made and every lie he told was calculated. The truth was, he didn’t even like me as a person. I was just another link on a chain of fools.

I was determined, now more than ever, to date other men to take my mind off of him. So, I did just that. The guy I had casually been talking to continued to call on a regular basis. We eventually set up our first FaceTime call. I was underwhelmed, to say the least. He had no zeal, wit, or excitement, and to top it all off, he was sweating profusely. Immediately after the FaceTime call ended, he sent me a song. I didn’t like it but said I did. I recognized that to be a problem within myself. Why couldn’t I just say what I felt? I guess I didn’t want to hurt the guy’s feelings, but why would I even think that would hurt his feelings? I obviously had some unresolved childhood stuff to work through.

A few days later, I told him that his phone and FaceTime persona were incongruent. He excused it by saying he was nervous because he had such a crush on me. I felt like it was more that he knew I could probably do better. At any rate, it scored a few points, so I decided to continue getting to know him. I didn’t have the red flags I did with my textbook narc, but I did have a few unanswered questions. He told me why his marriage didn’t work out, and it sounded a lot like it was all her fault. That was a concern; the narcissist never takes responsibility for anything. I flat-out said, “So, do you take any responsibility in the breakdown of the marriage?” I was prepared to tell him what I thought and hang up the phone. He quickly answered, “Of course I do. I could’ve helped out around the house, listened to her more,” etc. That was good, but not great. He did take some accountability, and that was more than my ex ever did. I found myself subconsciously comparing the two.

I started getting that weird gut feeling that something was off, so I told this guy that I wasn’t ready to date. I needed time to heal and gave him an extreme cliff-note version of my relationship saga. He said, “I’m not trying to date you. I thought we could be friends, and down the road, if something develops, great. If not, that’s cool too.” He said he also needed time to heal after the divorce. Well, that cast a different light on things—just two people healing together in a platonic relationship. So, I proceeded as friends.

After about a month of phone conversations, I could tell he wanted to be more than friends. He was calling too much, too early, and too late. I felt like calling me on his way to work at 5:30 a.m. was stepping over a boundary. Instead of telling him to stop calling at that time, I got mad at myself for answering the phone. I was clearly not ready to date. I had not yet found my voice or strengthened my “no.”

This whole thing got started because I commented on a post about the Parthenon and one day going to Greece. That was when he messaged me about a replica not far from where he lived. He casually said if I was ever in town, he would show me around. I gave that some serious thought because he was cool people and kinda handsome. After talking to him for a while, I decided, what the heck—I’ve never been to Nashville, so I’ll book a solo trip and go in the summer. It would also be a welcome distraction from what was going on.

So, I booked my flight and hotel for Nashville for six weeks later. After booking my flight, I casually mentioned I would be in Nashville that summer and would love to meet up for lunch if he was free. He was overjoyed and immediately began to tell me all about the area and things we could do. I let him know he didn’t have to go out of his way. I had taken solo trips before and would be just fine. That was my way of taking the pressure off both of us and having an escape, just in case in person wasn’t as good as the phone.