Untangled 8: not so quiet red flags

The day after our first date, he called and said he wanted us to be in a committed courtship leading to marriage. He used that verbiage because he knew I would understand it and be flattered by it. I was taken aback because I had only heard about this kind of thing happening but didn’t think it would happen to me. I was wrong—it was finally happening for me! It was my turn, and it was indeed when I least expected it, just like all the Christian girlies said it would be. Because I romanticized the whole thing, I ignored the sick feeling in my gut, I ignored the red flags, and I ignored the unanswered questions. God was warning me—I know that now—but back then, I just needed a win in the area of love. At that moment in my life, I would’ve gone to city hall and married him just to be done with the dating game.

Nonetheless, the red flags continued waving vigorously, and I quieted them down because I decided that I was going to cross the marriage finish line once and for all. This man said God told him I was his wife, and I believed him. I believed him because I wanted to believe it. I wanted to know that God had a man for me and that I would finally have what everyone else had. I was tired of doing life alone. I wanted a man of my own to spoil, I didn’t think that was so bad. But those blasted FLAGS! The red flags wouldn’t stop. I tried to quiet the flags, but they refused to be silent. The biggest red flags were the unbelievable stories of philanthropy, the travel around the world at the drop of a hat and not answering straightforward questions. I also noticed he had no Google footprint. If you’re as successful as he said he was, there would be SOMETHING somewhere to substantiate that claim—there was nothing. Even I have a small footprint and I’m your everyday Joe Schmo.

In the moment, I agreed to be in the relationship. My thought process was that we could get to know each other and iron out the lying issue as we went. I told myself the lie that he liked me so much that he lied to have a chance with me. I didn’t realize it was a sign of narcissism and a character flaw. We continued to speak on the phone for hours each day. I saw this as a good sign because we were getting to know each other more and more. I noticed that he was never at work; he excused that by saying it was off-season for construction. He had initially told me he was a builder. I believed that because why would I not? and it was all over his Facebook. I also know nothing about building or construction.

One day, while on the phone, I heard a woman in the background ask him if he wanted a shirt ironed. He said yes. I asked, “Who is that?” He said it was his personal assistant and that she was helping him out for a while. I accepted it, but I knew it was a lie. The interesting thing is that I knew it was a lie, but I wouldn’t allow my mind to go to the obvious truth.

That same night my eyes flew open at about 3:30am. All of the lies were presented like misshapen puzzle pieces as I lay staring at the ceiling. The anger in me rose as I thought about each one. I was about to craft a text to tell him I can’t go any further with him and then block him. I wouldn’t accuse him of lying but I would break it off. When God wakes me up it’s never off, this has happened before. I was in tears and my heart was beating out of my chest as I thought of what to say. About 20 minutes later my phone rang. It was my friend Val. She said she woke up and felt the urge to call me, she asked if I was ok? I knew God told her to call. Who calls you at 4am?! Unless God tells them to do it. (If you’re reading this Val, tell the people..lol) but I was too embarrassed to tell her what was happening. I really didn’t know if it was self sabotage or God telling me. So I told her my reservations in a round about way. She encouraged me and told me I needed to find out if it was self sabotage, fear or God speaking. I felt better after speaking to her because I didn’t wanna send a text if I was indeed self sabotaging. So I quieted the red flags long enough to go back to sleep.