Untangled 9: I was mistaken

One day while we were on the phone he said his laptop started smoking. He made a big deal out of it saying that’s the laptop he works from and had no time to shop for a new one. I offered him to use my MacBook until he could get a new one. I didn’t think he would actually take me up on the offer, that was my own fault. I had a year old MacBook I got for work that I rarely used. I thought I was being helpful but I now realize that he was “temperature testing” he was seeing how much empathy I had. I obviously failed that test.

He and I continued to talk on the phone for hours but it didn’t feel like we got anywhere because he couldn’t tell the truth if it were stapled to his tongue. When I think back now I realize I kinda continued the conversation out of boredom. I also kinda doubted what I knew, because why would anyone lie about everything? The bottom line is, if I was busy doing something purposeful I would’ve seen my value and cut all ties immediately. I also didn’t know what a narcissist was in those days and I had no idea that I was about to be taken for a ride. 

He started to come by my apartment once a week or so after the one and only date. I didn’t mind because my standards were low, I was just happy to have company occasionally. While standing outside one night saying our goodbyes he told me the doctors found cancer cells in his stomach, but everything is fine, he would go in to have the fluid drained from his stomach and possibly begin chemo. I brushed this off but it took its place as seed in the back of my mind like the other things he so casually told me. 

In the midst of my new normal I decided to move closer to my salon in Naperville. Things were leveling out, I was finally out of debt and ready to move to a nicer apartment. I found a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom in Aurora, all the amenities, modern with plenty of parking. Moving day arrived and the movers were scheduled for 11am. While I waited for them I was on the phone with my guy finishing off some odds and ends. While on the phone he asked if I needed any help, I told him no, the movers are scheduled for 11am. It was 1pm and the movers still hadn’t arrived. While sweeping, there was a knock at the door and to my surprise it was my guy. He came, even though I said I didn’t need help. I thought he was back home in Miami because that’s what he told me, he said he flew in earlier knowing I would need help. That sounded like a lie but I didn’t even want the truth, I wanted help moving. From the moment he walked in, he took charge, I  was thankful. The movers finally arrived roughly 4 hours late. They immediately doubled the quoted price because the boxes were small and that would require more trips. My guy told them they were no longer needed and they could leave. We got help from the couple that came to take my free furniture. He and I went and got a uhaul and completed the move by 11pm. It was after midnight when my bed was all setup. He didn’t seem to wanna leave so I told him he could stay. He slept on the couch and I took my bed. The next day he felt like a Godsend, he broke all the boxes down, took them to the dumpster, assembled things, hung pictures, cleaned etc. In that moment I felt indebted and grateful to have him. I didn’t tell him to leave, I assumed he would just go after I was all settled in a couple of days, I was mistaken. A few days turned into a couple of months. I didn’t mind it at first because I loved the company. I had not had a man in the home in years and it was kinda nice but a sick feeling began to rise in my belly because we never discussed living together. I didn’t wanna look foolish by asking what was happening so I said nothing.

I knew shacking up was wrong and because I knew it was wrong I conveniently stopped going to church. Too much guilt. A man was living in my apartment and we had become sexually active. I was surface level happy because deep down I knew it was all wrong and not Gods best for me. This was not my plan and I KNEW it wasn’t Gods plan. How could I justify this? I couldn’t.. so I didn’t. I avoided talking about him, I wouldn’t answer direct questions from my mom or friends about him driving my car and living in my house. I stopped talking about the Lord all together. In my mind once we got married I would gloss over the bad parts and thank God for everything else. All I had to do was shut my Spirit off for a few months until he popped the question. After-all the first month of phone calls he brought up marriage all the time. Then one day I walked into my bedroom and he was standing in my walk in closet smiling at his phone.