Untangled 17: Maxed out

I went numb. I had never had a $200 minimum payment on any card. Out of fear, I didn’t even use my Nordstrom card. Knowing his health condition, I kept my cool and asked him how soon the case would be over because my Nordstrom card was maxed out. He said it had been continued again, but he should have some news in a month or so. So, I asked, out of curiosity, what he had been buying. He said he got a few things at Last Chance and The Rack, but everything was on sale. He told me not to worry—the case was coming to a close, and he would be able to pay it all off really soon.

I didn’t believe it, but I had to. The alternative was to pull at the loose thread of the “lawsuit” and watch everything unravel. I wasn’t prepared for that. I didn’t have that kind of rage in me. I didn’t know I was being taken for a ride, because who lies about stage 4 cancer? Heart attacks? Lawsuits? Who?

I told him to give me both cards back. I was so angry, I couldn’t even look at him. In a moment of clarity mingled with disgust I asked “why did you pick me to do this to?” He ignored me completely. I went to my room to clear my mind. Then I remembered all the Nordstrom bags I’d see in the back of the car and in the closet.

I got both cards back and assumed the Discover card wouldn’t be that bad. I needed to know, so I took a deep breath, opened the Discover app—and saw that card was maxed out as well. I cried. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself because I never had to. I felt sorry for him because he was dying—how could I go off on a dying man about something as small as money? He was facing death and being sued. I felt horrible for being so petty.

Another part of me felt that his life wasn’t my problem and that this had to end. I began to resent him. Later that night, I searched online: “How to break up with someone with cancer.” I was trying to be strategic because I knew he wouldn’t accept the breakup. I tried several times, and two days later, it was as if I hadn’t said anything at all. I was just glad that my rent was lower, so I used the extra money to pay the minimums.

Another six months passed. I asked, “What’s going on with your cancer?” I was expecting him to be gone by now. He casually said he went to the doctor and the cancer was gone. I was in shock. I thought all the praying and juicing had worked! I texted everyone to let them know he was cancer-free! I was happy for him. Now he could work, get back to traveling, and return to his old life. I was also excited for myself. He didn’t have to depend on me any longer. We would go our separate ways, and I could get back to who I was. I no longer wanted marriage. I no longer wanted anything. I just wanted to be free.

That relief was short-lived. One day, he texted me a picture of blood in the toilet. I ran to the living room, asking, “What is this?!”

He said, “My prostate is enlarged, and I think it’s cancer.”